The first thing that's readily apparent with this movie is that it is not typical Marvel fare. In the first five minutes we get a sex scene and woman taking her top off. Now I may not be the most adventurous guy in the tri-state area, but sex on a rickety boat in the middle of a swamp? Um, no thanks. (Of course, I'd say the same thing to sex with a woman anywhere, but that's beside the point.)

Plus, a bare-chested woman in a horror movie is nothing. It's almost a prerequisite nowadays, but in a Marvel movie? Surprising is putting it lightly. I'm assuming it was put in the movie to make it feel like a traditional horror flick, something along the lines of Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm St.. That's not a bad idea except for the fact that Man-Thing has always been about more than strictly horror. Man-Thing isn't about hack n' slash or blood n' gore. He's creepy and eerie and off-putting. He's more Hannibal Lecter than Jason Voorhees, despite being eight feet tall and made of decaying swamp matter. This movie decided to ignore the understated uneasy kind of frightening and went for the dark swamp at night and a loud boom. That's not horror, that's startling someone. It's not hard to do.

But let's forego all that and blame it on the low budget (which isn't true, but it will let us move on nonetheless). Even if the intent of the movie was deliberately changed from the character's origins in the books, the movie is just not very good. There is nothing remotely groundbreaking here, it's nothing more than a generic sci-fi horror movie. Even the sci-fi aspect is dodgy at best as Man-Thing himself is a bit player in the film. Sure, the strange happenings that are discussed quite bit are his doing, but we rarely get a look at Man-Thing himself.

The overwhelming bulk of the movie is spent following a new sheriff in a bayou town and his dealings with some eco-terrorism. That was all well and good when I watched that movie the first time and they called it Erin Brockovich. I don't need to see it again and with significantly less talented actors. How about instead of always TALKING about this unknown entity destroying things you actually show some of it? Is that too much to ask?

Now, before you start thinking that I'm looking for a mindless action or horror flick, I have no problem with people standing around talking for two hours. But when you're watching a movie that supposed to be about an enraged shaman who has been transformed into a vengeful swamp creature that can control vegetation (yeah, just a tad off from his comic book origin), you expect to see some action now and then.

The ultimate failure of this movie can be blamed on a laundry list of causes (cast, effects, dialogue, plot, etc.) but it ultimately comes down to a lack of the titular character. Horror movies don't need to be good to be enjoyable. Most of them are actually fairly bad films by any right, but that doesn't mean you don't cheer when Ghostface guts Drew Barrymore or seeing Michael Myers get his head chopped off twenty years after one of the creepiest film intros of all time.

I still think a real Man-Thing film could be made. Keep the creepy factor, keep his fire-inducing touch (it worked with the Penance Stare in the Ghost Rider film) and most importantly - make it ABOUT MAN-THING.

And I want it noted that I went this entire review without making a single Man-Thing/penis joke.

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